Today's chapter: butt
4:51 p.m. :: 2003-04-06

I've been away from the whole Diary-thang for a bit now. Giving my life a clean; maybe it's the spring time or maybe I was subconciously wanting a change; perhaps it was my 31st birthday looming near (just gone on the 3rd) - who knows. But it doesn't matter.

I am holding on to a stage where the panic disorder is present, but not ruling everything I do and where I am looking forward to things in a different way once more. I have been (as dear Turtle would say) 'chronically over-achieving' in the last few weeks, but still can't shake the feeling that I am not doing enough. This is healthy in a way because I am no longer so sedentary (the Karate training is going well - third time tomorrow and I love every minute of it, there are other more active things I am now doing...). And this is also not so healthy in a way because knowing what I'm like there will be a burn-out at some point.

What I've been thinking though is: does there have to be a burn-out? Oh, and many other questions, many, many others.

The panic disorder is about fear and responsibility and about skeletons in the closet...and about insecurity. Those are my monsters. I refuse to be ruled by them anymore.

I am finally going to stare my monsters right in the eyes and face them, come what may.

So what if I haven't got what it takes to beat them? I will survive, because I have survived up until now. And I should finally accept that this is no mean feat; that I am stronger than I give myself credit for.

There is new security and clarity in my life now (my own home, the divorce from my ex is finally going through...) and yet there is new insecurity: what if things don't go to 'plan' with W and myself, what if my job isn't as secure as I'd hoped, what if what if what if?

But for the first time in ages, I am beginning not to care.

SO WHAT? Is my answer to those monsters. Little hairy legs skitter away from me and try to sneak behind, but I just shrug and turn to face them again. SO WHAT?

This year is going to be special. This year I am going to stop being afraid.

---

My new diary (and the associated stuff) is going to be made this year. Delayed - due to life happening the way it always happens; not exactly to plan - but it'll be made. I am going to keep popping in here and writing down the 'latest'. Well - this is the latest: more time is required. It's just the way it is. I am not going to stress over this. I want to do things well and thoroughly, not slap-dash.

There are other things that I also must do this year. Relating to the 'not being afraid' stuff. I am no longer happy in my job. I've been trying to skirt around the issue, but it's no good: something is going very wrong indeed. I love the actual work I do, but I do not feel right about the attitude of some managers in our company. And I have been flatly told by my boss: Either take it on the nose or leave the company. Well, gee. If this was me 10 years ago, I would have walked out. Alas, I have that house now and with it, more responsibility. Therefore I must make my decisions differently these days.

But yeah - the job is one thing. And from that, I have begun to think more on the lines of: what exactly am I waiting for in terms of writing/art/own business? When will be the 'right time'? Never, that's when. The fear of failure-monster has been talking to me for too many years. I am going to kick its butt.


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What's left of it - the (selected and last few) entries:
New - 2005-02-11
Bye for now - 2003-04-21
butt - 2003-04-06
karate-ka - 2003-03-21
ridicilous - 2003-03-20

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